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Guacamole Road, Chapter Two:
Mohs' Lament1

"In my experience,
the best way to learn Physics
is to solve problems."
-- Theoretical Physicist Howard "Howy" Haber PhD,
Santa Cruz Institute for Particle Physics

Jonathan Swift

Friday, March 8, 2019

Copyright © 2019 Solving the Software Problem. All Rights Reserved.

3:05 AM, Friday March 8, 2019
Portland, Oregon

Solving the Software Problem
ATTN: Jonathan Swift
707 SW Washington ST
Portland OR 97205-3528


Dear Friends,

I'm here to help.

As an Engineer - Software mostly but also Electrical, largely self-taught - I solve problems.

As a Scientist - Caltech Astronomy and Physics, UC Santa Cruz Physics - I elucidate the notoriously inflexible frameworks with which the implementations of such solutions must comply.

As a Writer - Caltech Literature, and yes: the Institute really does offer such Majors as Lit! - I faciliate such framework elucidations and problem solution implementations by others.

By such others as yourselves:

I write this letter primarily to Executive, Adminstrative and Operational Law Enforcement Offices - Police Chiefs, Jail Supervisors and Patrol Officers - to similarly Executive, Administrative and Operational Public Servants as City Mayors, County Supervisors, State Governors as well as President Trump as Executives, Administrators as for example the Clark County, Washington Public Health Director, Doctor Alan Melnick MD who as I write this is on the Hot Seat of an ongoing Measles Outbreak, and such Operational Public Servants as Clark County's C-TRAN and Multnomah County, Oregon's TriMet Public Transit Authorities.

Not so much as to whet your appetite as to seize your attention, I offer one such solution to an endemic Criminal Justice Problem, that being the dismissals by the Courts of charges against arguably-guilty Defendants who, despite as well being quite seriously mentally ill, in the Western States of the US avail themselves of the 9th Circuit Court Of Federal Appeals' stipulation2 that upon being ordered to mental hospitals by a Judge, the State has but seven days for those Defendants to actually be admitted to said hospitals.

Failure by the State to so admit such mentally ill Defendants, while strictly speaking does not result in the dismissal of criminal charges, provides the Defendants with grounds for appeal. For such purely practical reasons as easing their own weighty caseloads, the overcrowding of jails and the like most but not all Prosecutors will readily agree to Motions For Dismissal by Defense Counsels.

In my own specific case, I was Guilty As Sin - I don't recall of what, due to my ever-hazy memory, but quite certainly culpable - when Clark County Court Commissioner Kelli E. Osler ordered me to Western State Hospital in Lakewood for a Mental Competency Evaluation. While strictly speaking that Evaluation could have taken place right there in the Jail in Downtown Vancouver, it never actually took place - not in Lakewood, not in Vancouver, not anywhere.

I cooled my heels in the slammer until a Jailhouse Lawyer pointed out Oregon Advocacy Center v. Mink to me. I dropped a dime to my Public Defender; while I had to continue cooling said heels for another week until he could introduce my Motion To Dismiss, Court Commissioner Osler really did so dismiss my charges then order my release.

That Just Had To Rock.

Despite having just confessed - of what, as I said I have no clue - to you lot, I remain sympathetic to the Law Enforcement Community as I've met a fair number of Murderers and Rapists, having been in a Forensic Ward at Western State twice, as well as that of Atascadero State Hospital in San Luis Obispo County, California. Possibly a Serial Killer as well, though other than pointing out that he succeeded with his Insanity Defense, Alonzo was reluctant to speak of his actual crime.

How to solve such a problem?

I offer a common solution as employed by us Consulting Engineers - mostly I write Mobile Applications for clients, themselves primarily Software Publishers:

The Acceptance Test.

I don't get paid until my code passes certain tests, which tests my clients and I work out well in advance of our signing our contract.

Most of my contract jobs take some time, from three to eighteen months so far. To ease my own financial pain, as well as the anxiety my clients would otherwise experience over their concern as to whether my Completion Acceptance Test could possibly pass, we as well break our jobs down into a modest number of Milestones. Each such Milestone demonstrates my own significant progress towards our shared goal. An Addendum to our contract stipulates the tests my code must pass to get paid for each Milestones, as well as how much I shall get paid for my code having passed each individual one.

As for the Acceptance Tests that will render Oregon Advocacy Center A Thing Of The Past?

Please Give Us Wingnuts Our Damn Happy Pills.

That's It.

If your Doctors do not so give us what we so-desperately require to avoid such Symptoms Of Decompensation as Completed Suicide, as well as in my own specific case, the deeply-held (ie. profoundly uninsightful) Delusion that I was - at the time, Right There In The Slammer - in United States Marine Corps Officer Candidate School in preparation for my Active Duty Service as a Lieutenant Colonel in which I would serve as a Clandestine Field Agent for the Marine Corps Forces Cyber Command – such nostalgic reminiscences bring a smile to my weary eyes...

Your Doctors Do Not Get Paid!

No Pills, No Simoleons, No Exceptions.

City Jails often have no Medical nor Mental Health Staff of any sort.

It's uncommon for County Jail Medical or Mental Health Staff to be County Employees, rather they are Employees of a Contractor, that Contractor being rather more populous than my own Solving the Software Problem but possessed of such business acumen as I can only dream about:

In the specific cases of Vancouver, Washington's Clark County Jail and Portland, Oregon's Multnomah County Detention Center, the Medical Contracting companies don't avail themselves of readily available – and expeditious – local pharmacies, rather they each, at a cost to the Oregon and Washington State Taxpayer of tens of thousands of dollars per Defendant, save perhaps a nickel a pill by bulk ordering our meds from Discount Pharmacies on the East Coast.

Rhode Island, if I remember correctly, as is unlikely.

"I beg of you to explain to me just why," I asked of a Clark County Jail Nurse during a previous detention, "I have to wait ten solid days to get the medication I require to stop Hallucinating?"


I propose the following Acceptance Test for Jail Food Service Contractors.

Again recall that I studied at first Astronomy; in the cores of Stars are baked each of the Atomic Elements that are the most-fundamental requirements for Life – all life – as well as the additional Elements that us Humans require:

The first such Acceptance Test is that the Food Service Contractor will be paid a specific, contractually pre-agreed upon fee for supplying each new inmate the above Atomic Elements within but one hour of their having arrived.

Not booked, but arrived, even if still waiting to be booked.

“While we’re happy to supply Oxygen to those who are as-yet presumed innocent,” you quite reasonably protest, “Phosphorus is quite flammable, and we no longer permit smoking in the slammer.”

I’ll get back to you about the Phosphorus.

It’s common for newly-detained inmates to be malnourished; such malnourishment all by itself often renders one incompetent to act in one’s own defense. The Clark and Multnomah County Jails therefore supply each new inmate with a sack lunch, commonly a Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich, a piece of such fruit as an Apple, Orange or Banana, perhaps a few cookies, and a small carton of 2% Milk.

Such sack lunch therefore contains Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Calcium and Sodium, but no Phosphorus nor Sulfur.

Oranges don’t have much Potassium, Apples very, very little of it.

Thus: each sack lunch should contain a Banana – specifically: a Banana – as Bananas are rich in Potassium. Please stop putting Apples and Oranges in new-arrival lunches.

Sulfur? Sulfur is what makes Egg Yolks yellow. Therefore, in each sack supply at least one but for reasons of simple human compassion, I beg of you: two Hard-Boiled Eggs.

For the Sodium of course, a small tear-open pack of Iodized Salt.

For me personally, I’d be quite stoked to find Pepper in my sack as well, but that’s not strictly speaking necessary.

Cobalt is the Active Ingredient of Cobalamine, which itself is key to the transcription of our DNA into the chains of Amino Acids of which Proteins and Enzymes are composed. Cobalamine cannot be obtained from any Plant nor Fungus, therefore Strict Vegans require Vitamin B12 Supplements. The B12 found in meat, fish, chicken, eggs and such cultured milks as Yogurt and Kefir is Methylcobalamine; in most common Supplements and Fortified Foods it is Cyanocobalamine.


Phosphorus is arguably more vital to our very survival than is even Water – Hydrogen and Oxygen – as it’s the active ingredient in Adenosine Tri-, Di- and Monophosphate.

While we eat and breathe our energy in the forms of Sugar and Oxygen, at the very-most fundamental metabolic level in our cells, that energy is actually supplied to us in the form of Adenosine Triphosphate. A broad class of enzymes denoted as “ATPases” Dephosphorylates the Adenosine Triphosphate into the Diphosphate or Monophosphate. It is that Dephosphorylation Reaction which is the specific Chemical Reaction which supplies Energy to our Biochemistry.

Thus: for inmates not to be supplied foods rich in Phosphorus will – again – render us incompetent to stand in our own defense because we are far too tired to think clearly.

Which foods?

Simply put:

Your Food Service Contractor will be paid a specific, contractually pre-agreed upon fee for each new inmate who receives a sack lunch within one hour of arrival at the jail, without consideration as to whether they’ve been booked, placed their phone call, been examined by a Jail Nurse or the like.

That contract must quite-clearly stipulate that said Contractor shall be paid upon actual receipt of said lunch by each inmate, not at all for the preparation of the lunch, or its delivery to the Trusty who generally serves it.

My recommendation for what I shall quite self-promotionally denote as Jonathan Swift’s Universal Sack Lunch shall contain each of a:

Beans as well as Chili are for many good reasons commonly served for Lunch and Supper. Please, sometimes serve instead Lentil Soup, so as to continue the supply of Phosphorus.

Given that I just beat the subject of sack lunches completely to death, I’ll spare you the Medical and Mental Health Acceptance Tests for now, but will similarly beat them to death before my work is done.

It is only now that I finally understand just how it could possibly be that quite likely the most-carefully guarded Trade Secret in all of Human History – that being the formula for Coca-Cola – was altered:

Citric Acid then, Phosphoric now!

Have a Coke and a Smile.

[1] Carl Friedrich Christian Mohs (German: [moːs]; 1773-01-29 – 1839-09-29) was a German geologist and mineralogist.

[2] Oregon Advocacy Center v. Mink, 322 F.3d 1101 (9th Cir. 2003).

“Nonprofit organizations sued state officials, contending that delays by a state mental hospital in accepting mentally incapacitated criminal defendants for evaluation and treatment, violated the defendants' substantive and procedural due process rights. The district court entered an injunction requiring the hospital to admit criminal defendants within seven days of a trial court's finding of their incapacity to proceed to trial. The state officials appealed and the appeals court affirmed. The appeals court held that the hospital's delay in admitting incapacitated defendants violated their substantive due process rights. According to the court, under state law it is the state mental hospital, not counties, that has the duty to accept mentally incapacitated defendants for evaluation and treatment.”
– Free Online Library, retrieved 2019-03-08


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