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I Shall Build the Guacamole Road!

To write this is making me hungry.

Jonathan Swift
swift@guacamoleroad.com

Copyright © 2019 Solving the Software Problem. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, March 14th, 2019, 7:30 PM
Vancouver, Washington

My friend Steffi Lippel was until recently a Nutritional Consultant, having a Master's Of Science in the subject. That she is no longer is due to her recent decision to go back to school for yet another Master's.

And you think I am smart? In reality, I was quite the poor student, preferring instead to practice what I euphemistically denote as "Self-Directed Study", that being to do whatever I Damn well pleased. That I was - enthusiastically - accepted to study Astronomy at the California Institute Of Technology in Pasadena I regard as not having been due to my teenage interest in grinding glass telescope mirrors, rather my passion for the Theater.

This because for prospective Caltech students to be anything other than Propeller Heads is uncommon. But I digress:

Fräulein Doktor Lippel,

Just this morning I wrote what for me is an uncommonly concise essay that centers on Indole, l-Tryptophan and Serotonin. That I regard this particular piece as worthy of dead-tree publication than my usual Link Spammage leads me to request that we meet for coffee so I can hand your dead tree over to you myself; alternatively, we could meet at your place of work if you can fit me in to your schedule.

I as well seek your advice on my potential business venture that will - hopefully - while easing the Hunger problem will actually solve the Global Warming Problem by facilitating the widespread adoption of such tree foods as Avocado Guacamole and the wholesale replacement of the energy-intensive Corn Oil with that of the Olive. I discussed her idea to do so with my Daughter Denisse during my - quite-painfully - brief visit to her King City home back in '12.

Consider that while Southern Europe, the Middle East, much of Africa and other warm climes are absolutely rotten with Olive Groves, despite its name the California Olive is actually cultivated only in a very small region of the Northern Sacramento Valley.

That's doubtlessly due to European Olives being pressed for their Oil then mostly composted or perhaps fed to livestock, whereas California Olive Oil is uncommon, with the - naturally inedibly-bitter - California Olives been cured in I Am Absolutely Serious: Lye! for eating.

You Read That Right: Drano.

I'll never displace European Oil for that of California. To do so would not be productive, as it would not result in increased Carbon Sequestration by Olive Trees. Check This Out:

My own Vegan Guacamole will have Chopped Olives mixed in! How Cool Could That be?

I remain puzzled that it's not already been done.

I will at first pitch an Indiegogo Crowdfunding Campaign to feed Guac to the homeless and the hungry, so to pay for a Cargo Van, a Chest Freezer and some other equipment, as well as vast quantities of Avocados, Olives, Onions, Limes and Cilantro.

During my Ramp Up, I'll buy them at regular Grocery Stores but shortly followed by Food Wholesalers, eventually Farm Cooperatives.

"But Global Warming!" You quite reasonably protest, "How could this possibly solve Global Warming?"

It happens that my own interest in Economics in stark contrast to that of for example former Federal Reserve Chairwoman Janet Yellen's focus on the Macroeconomic Carbon Tax - she proposes to simply distribute the proceeds of that tax to the public - as well as in stark contrast to New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez' own Microeconomic focus on the Green Bill Of Rights, is both Micro and Micro, in that I regard the solution to all of our woes being both to Push - as with Yellen's Carbon Tax - as well as to employ AOC's pull.

While I do hope to encourage the widespread adoption of Avocado and Olive Diets, my true objective is to plant vast quantities of Avocado and Olive Trees, for the most part on the actual road for which my upcoming not Autobiography rather Memoire is named.

Because railroad rights-of-way are largely unmaintained other than the tracks themselves, no one will object to my planting Avos and Olives at regular intervals along the tracks I walked down, two hundred miles (!) from Santa Cruz to Oceano State Beach in San Luis Obispo County, California.

While not a desert, the Central California Valley is quite dry from the Late Spring through the Early Fall. That I really do have the Boy Scout Wilderness Survival Merit Badge led to my hydrating myself the very same way desert birds and lizards do: by eating such watery plants as the Easter Lily I was puzzled to find growing next to me upon my awakening one fine morning.

A few yards away from my Lily Salad grew a large Eucalyptus Tree. The two of them together yielded the insight that there was shallow groundwater there, quite uncommon for that part of the State.

Thus:

I am already sprouting Avocado Pits on my windowsill. Every Last One of my Guac Avos will have their Pits sprouted, with their husks being composted for their potting soil.

Thus I need at first a Light Industrial Shop, but they're cheap as dirt round here - with most of my Baby Trees being at first supplied to the seventy-five thousand buck-naked Hippies of Burning Man.

Among its Ten Principles is that to sell items for money is impermissible, whereas "Radical Gifting" is encouraged.

Thus, for the very first time since 1997 - I've been a total of three times - I'll turn up in - hopefully - a long-haul cargo truck driven not by myself but a professional driver who I'll hire out of that same GoFundMe, it will as well cover that truck's rental - then start handing out Baby Trees by the tens of thousands.

What does Steffi have to do with all this?

I at first intended to suggest a Business Partnership, and I still will however if you really are set on returning to school, that would not work well for you.

But that I'll start by feeding Olive-Laced Guacamole to the chronically malnourished homeless leads me to request your professional advice as to what other plants I should blend into my Chip Dip.

One Last Word:

While quite likely I'll fortify my product with Methylcobalamin, due to Vitamin B12 Anemia being endemic among the Alcoholic, the Opiate-Addicted, those who suffer Ulcers or Chronic Acid Reflux due to the Antacid Medication's depletion of the acidic environment that Intrinsic Factor requires to Work Its Special Magic...

... despite my adding pure B12, I regard it as crucially important for most of one's nutrients to come from foosd not pills.

While obviously I feel that way due to food having other nutrients, my own experience in Chemistry leads me to assert that a great many perhaps vital nutrients remain undiscovered.

Thus: Coffee? I prefer Case Study Coffee at 10th and Yamhill, but anywhere would do, as at your office.

Self-Directedly,

Jon

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